These are a few of my (least) favorite things

The other day, while channel- surfing, I came across a movie called DOA. No, this is not some American hospital movie that features crying doctors with DOA= Dead On Arrival. Here, DOA stands for Dead Or Alive. It took me about 30 seconds into the movie to realize exactly what it was. It was a movie based on a video- game.

For those who are unaware of such films, most of them (especially those directed by a critic- punching German named Uwe Boll) are maajar flops. Most Uwe Boll flms, in fact, ended up in the IMDB worst 100 list. And DOA isn’t based on just any video game. The game that inspired the film belongs to a genre of games that some of us like to call chick- boxing. In case you didn’t get that, picture women in chuddies having catfights, except that they don’t slap each other and start crying.

I watched the entire movie, and was a bit disappointed. You see, it wasn’t quite as awful as I had hoped. Most of my friends would know that I take great pride in watching the worst films ever made. Among the worst that I saw in the last few years were Deshdrohi (that Bhojpuri movie), Love Story 2050 (that film with a Hrithik Roshan look alike fighting evil with fluorescent tubes that almost resemble light sabers), and Aap Ka Suroor (the less said the better).

However, the title of worst film ever watched by me goes to a movie that transcends everything mentioned above: one that is a cut below, in a league of its own, completely out of sight of every other film ever made. IMDB lists it as #26 on the list of worst movies ever, but I call it #1.

This film is Hobgoblins. I cannot begin to express how bad it was. The closest I can come to is this: have you ever seen a warthog? If you have, haven’t you noticed that these disgusting creatures are so incredibly ugly, that they almost seem beautiful. It was the same for me: the movie was so bad that I almost liked it.

The characters consisted of : Loserboy, the male lead (imagine that loser who plays lead in Transformers, times 10); Loserboy’s Cold Hearted bitchy girlfriend; Horny boy and his girlfriend Horny girl, whose only role was to make crude double entendres. And Idiot boy, whose girlfriend was Vamp girl (who looked villainous but not very womanly. She resembled Robert Plant in concert- leather pants and all).

But the worst bit of all was Loserboy’s car: it looked like a Chevrolet Camarro. And it was colored violet. Imagine that! No wonder everybody hated the movie. It wasn’t so bad, had it not been for the sacrilegious presentation of a violet muscle car.

Off late though, movies haven’t quite been down to that mark set 22 years ago by Hobgoblins: they just aren’t all that bad anymore. Fear not though, for the long awaited sequel to the great movie- Hobgoblins 2, is finally out! Their tagline warns potential movie watchers: ‘Don’t say we didn’t warn you!’. And the sequel has lived up to the original, with an IMDB rating of 2.4/10. This I have to watch. It might be the worst film ever.

On second thought, it can’t possibly be worse than that new Transformers movie.

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8 Responses to “These are a few of my (least) favorite things”

  1. Silverstreak Says:

    My, I HAVE to watch this movie now.

    Transformers was bad? Should keep them expectations as low as possible then.

    Speaking of bad movies, did you catch Phoonkh? Biggest mistake. Ever. As was 7 Pounds. And New York.

    No wonder I’m always broke.

  2. Vinayak Sapru Says:

    because of the unique way in which wordpress works, i can’t log into my own blog.
    hobgoblins is a movie beyond all others: even the 80’s mithun movies (which unfortunately are still popular in calcutta) pale in comparison.
    and i didnt watch transformers, but base my opinion on this review:
    http://io9.com/5301898/michael-bay-finally-made-an-art-movie

  3. Shailja Says:

    Hmmm.. I don’t know if it’s me getting old(er) or the movies, but all these new teen flicks seem the narrate the same humdrum.. And I cant sit thru them for prize money!

  4. Silverstreak Says:

    The review was quite apt, actually. There were a million storylines squished into one. And Megan Fox WAS NOT as badass as she was in the first movie. Sadly, neither was Josh Duhamel. There’s this one scene in the movie, where she’s running away from the Decepticons and ACTUALLY HOLDING JOSH DUHAMEL’S HAND, while doing so. And then they brought in this afterlife scene. It was like reading Harry Potter all over again. Not cool.

    But I quite liked the first half of the movie, though. Till about 10 minutes before the interval. That much I understood. And then all was hazy. And I cannot fathom how Shia leBeouf (I hope I’ve spelt that right) gets ALL the hot women. Really!

  5. Silverstreak Says:

    Not like I don’t like Harry Potter, but I thought J.K.Rowling really screwed up the end of Deathly Hallows.

  6. Vinayak Sapru Says:

    @shailja
    i haven’t in my life watched a teen movie from beginning to end, so i’d say the same about those, pretty much.

    @silverstreak
    1. who the hell is josh duhamel?
    2. what’s a deceptecon?
    3. why do you know so much about transformers?

    seriously, all i remember is that this shitty yellow car (which looks like an old beat up camarro) turns into the bad ass chevrolet camarro concept car in the end, and that all the other cars were GM too, except that the king transformer or whatever was a truck.
    also, i didnt like the harry potters after the 4th book… they were alright, but lacked that soul which the first 3 books had. i’d have to agree that the 7th had a very hurried up end.

  7. Vinayak Sapru Says:

    no wait, one transformer was a HUMVEE.. that ain’t GM. and another was this very cool pontiac.

    i think i’m getting a bit carried away.

  8. floftep Says:

    is that true??

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