Huh?

June 15, 2010

Note: This is a reference to Abbott and Costello’s ‘Who’s on first base’ routine. It is NOT inspired by a million crappy email forwards.
It is also not intended to be racist.

Maradona: Who is the coach of South Korea?
Messi: Hu is.
Maradona: Who?
Messi: Si. Hu is the coach of South Korea.
Maradona: What do you mean by that?
Messi: Hu is the coach of South Korea.
Maradona: But that’s what I’ve been asking all along!
Messi: What?
Maradona: Who is the coach of South Korea?
Messi: Yes, he is.
Maradona: How?
Messi: No, no. Hao plays midfield for China.
Maradona: Oh!
Messi: He’s a Korean defender, not the coach.
Maradona: And who is the coach?
Messi: Yes.
Maradona: Bwaah?!
Messi: Don’t know anyone by that name. An Egyptian, maybe?
Maradona: Shit!
Messi: That would be the English team.
Maradona: I’ll shoot myself if this goes on any longer!
Veron (angrily shouting out): He means ‘Hu’ the name, not the pronoun.
Maradona: I think I should go back to being fat and jobless. Life was so much simpler then.

The first proper performance in the World Cup

June 14, 2010

Note: A friend who had gotten rather annoyed with my opinions on football asked me to write a commentary on the game yesterday, just to see if I would receive any hate mail. However, knowing that few people ever read my blog (and those who do wouldn’t care), I am pretty confident of getting none. Or so I would like to think.

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Line-ups: The Aussies are playing a 4-5-1, apparently. Looks more like a 4-6-0 to me, since Cahill (a midfielder) is furthest forward.
The Germans have fielded a very young team, with few players I’ve ever heard of. What’s most surprising is Loew’s decision of playing Podolski up front despite the atrocious season he had at Cologne.

First 10 minutes:
Neuer, apparently Germany’s new No. 1 after all of their previous goalkeepers retired/ got run over by trains, combines with Lahm to stop a would-have-been shock Aussie goal.

Action at the opposite end. Klose, low on match practice and confidence, has his shot blocked by Schwarzer.

GOAL! Podolski scores with a hammer blow, forcing all of his critics (myself included) to eat humble sausage- pie. 1-0 Germany.

Oezil (one of the younger Germans) does a Greg Louganis. Yellow card for a clear dive.

20 minutes:

Garcia, much like his Australian teammates, seems rather bewildered by the two posts that the Germans seem to be kicking at so intently. His shot goes well wide of the target.

Podolski fails to connect with Muller’s cross. Klose misses a sitter shortly afterwards, and proceeds to clutch his head in his hands, possibly in an effort to hide his face in embarrassment. Will Germany rue their missed chances?

GOAL! Klose scores from Lahm’s cross, and yet again,his head does the trick. The commentator says he is now four goals short of the all- time highest world cup scorer, Ronaldo. I think he may already have the record for most headed goals in world cups.

30- something minutes: Oezil gets through the defence and chips Schwarzer. Lucas Neill has it covered though: he clears the ball just in front of the goal line. Action reminiscent of the Drogba- Cannavaro bit in Nike’s Write the Future advertisement.

40 minutes: Lahm, who has had a great game, puts another one into the penalty area. Khedira, apparently convinced that he is an Australian defender, heads the ball safely away from goal.

Half- time: Australia make a substitution. Nobody bothers to notice. This game is over. Could have been 6-0 by now.

50- something minutes: The Australians continue to shoot wide of the goal posts. To be fair, they would have scored a couple if these were Australian Rules Football goalposts.
Muller, too, shoots off target at the other end.

56 minutes: RED CARD! Tim Cahill is sent off, for what could only be described as half a tackle. He went in with his feet, and ended up catching Schweinstiger with his shins. Don’t know why the referee did that.

60- something minutes: Australia continue to make substitutions. I continue to ignore them.

Klose misses the target again. His feet just aren’t up to the task of scoring.

GOAL! Muller cuts inside the Aussie defence, and shoots on the turn, surely clinching the game with a third goal.

70- something minutes: GOAL! Cacau comes onto the field for Germany, Cacau scores for Germany. 4-0.
Gomez too comes on. So now, two Germans on the field are of Brazilian parentage.

Rest of the game: Australia continue to shoot in random directions.
Marin comes on for Podolski, makes a few good runs, troubles the Australian defence.
Nothing worth special mention.

Absence of evidence IS evidence of absence

June 11, 2010

The other day, I came across a rather illuminating little proof.


Taken from Kim Oyhus’ website.

For those of us who don’t remember Bayesian probability too well, ponder this:
A= You have a Body Mass Index over 25.
B= You’re obese.

Having a BMI over 25 means you’re obese.

An absence of any proof that your BMI is over 25 means that you’re probably not obese, because there are fewer obese people.
QED.

I now wish that people nuts would stop misquoting Carl Sagan by saying “Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence” whenever they talk about UFOs, alien abductions, telekinesis, conspiracy theories, and other miscellaneous bullshit.

The worst mascots in Olympic history

June 2, 2010

I always thought that Atlanta 96’s Izzy would be a little hard to top, but the British have succeeded where even the Chinese failed.

They came up with these two hideous alien- like creatures with incredibly weird names and bodies. Apparently, these were meant to appeal to children. If I were a child, I think these images would give me nightmares. They look like the product of an unholy communion between R2D2, C3PO and those two aliens from the Simpsons.

Self-Critical Poem

May 31, 2010

There’s a hole in the sky
Through which mice can glide about,
And sometimes even fly.
(Provided that they’re not too stout)

But occasionally when I’m mucking around
In the company’s lost and found,
The mice come flying by my ear
And give me a rather rude stare.

Now, I for one, am all for their right to fly-
For even an ugly crow may take to the sky
But why must they annoy me like this,
By filling my coffee mugs with their piss?

Oi, you just ruined the last stanzas
By changing the rhyme schemes.
It was a simple ABAB, by the letter
But you always claim to know better.
You switched to the AABB
But that isn’t every single reader’s cup of tea.
And now you’ve made this stanza too long
Please stop this wretched, miserable song!

Kill Boll

May 7, 2010

List of things to do in Germany (in decreasing order of probability of said thing being done):

1. Eat lots of Bratwurst.
2. Drink lots of beer.
3. Go to the statue of Leibniz at Hanover and shout, “Ha! Newton was right.”
4. Watch the Berlin cabaret.
5. Visit Check point Charlie .
6. Drive on the no-speed-limit autobahn.
7. Do a lap of the Nurburgring.
8. Shoot Uwe Boll between his fat, dead little eyes.

Malice in 2D Wonderland

February 14, 2010

Boring classes always lead to something; and some somethings are better than others.

In any case, I managed this XKCD rip- off. Inspiration came mainly in the form of Lewis Carroll’s works.

Note: The rabbit was added later on, purely to balance out the murder.

New Roommates

February 11, 2010

In case you were wondering, yes, that is a milkybar wrapper forming part of their nest.

The parents of the tiny hatchlings (pictured above) made themselves very much at home in my room during the winter. On my return though, the adult pigeons bravely deserted their little eggs, leaving them to my mercy.

So far though, despite the many warnings I’ve been given, especially regarding the noise they might make in the mornings, I haven’t had the heart to remove them.

It’s not like they’re particularly pretty either. They’re just too damned defenseless.

And in case you were wondering- yes, that is a Milkybar wrapper forming part of the nest. Blame Papa bird for poor selection of construction material.

Also, I am open to suggestions of appropriate names for twins.

Meet the new Blog, Same as the old Blog

February 5, 2010

(Slow drum roll, building steadily to a crescendo) Bang! Massively-explosive-nitroglycerin-bomb bang! The blog returns from beyond the grave, just like Superman did. Except that I didn’t have to be sent to a secret base in the Antarctic which is run by robots from outer space.

And now, as my first great act, I shall blatantly copy somebody else’s idea and define a word:

Spoiler: Large wing attached to the rear of most race cars in order to provide downforce, giving the car stability by keeping it on the ground at high speeds.
However, these are most commonly deployed by men in little Suzukis who think that dubbing a fake V6 engine noise over their puny 3 cylinder diesel engines works towards attracting women. So far, the only people I’ve noticed as being attracted to these had similar cars.

Alternate definition: listing out of a plot twist in a book/ movie, reading which would spoil the experience of reading the book/ watching the movie.
A few examples: 299 of the 300 Spartans die, the one eyed guy being the sole survivor; Mark Wahlberg shoots Matt Damon in the face at the end of The Departed; Tyler Durden is the narrator’s split personality; Bruce Willis was a ghost all along in the Sixth Sense; and Solyent Green IS PEOPLE!

This is the End

December 5, 2009

My very last post. The time has come for the blog to reach its end. The reasons are many, but none shall be listed out here.

I suppose that I will now while away my time on my Anonymous blog. Of course, you could ask me for the URL of aforementioned blog, but I must warn you of a terribly tragic coincidence- every person till date who so much as inquired about the URL was discovered shot in the back of the head the following morning. Quite a mystery.

I’m now getting bored, so goodbye.